it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
