I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
