If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
