I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
