I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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