yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
