you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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