This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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