Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
