oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
