he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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