my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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