Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
