dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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