he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
