mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
