The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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