my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
