I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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