tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
