eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize