I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize