Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
