She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
