the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
