The maid of honor just puked.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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