From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
