I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Be still, my beating vagina.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
There are leaves in my underwear?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
