u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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