I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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