Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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