The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
