The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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