Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
