worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
