dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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