Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
