I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize