i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
