Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
