so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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