i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
