So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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