he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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