I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
