You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
