I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
