So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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