Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
