ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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