i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
