when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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