Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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