Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
