she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
