I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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