I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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