You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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