This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
